brain farts

How Not to Act When in Public

Posted on: April 28, 2007

Highlights (or should I say lowlights) from dinner last Saturday with Jup, Matt, and Akira at the Rio Grill:

[While discussing garbled signs from around the world]

JUP
I once saw this sign in China that said:
“The slippery are always crafty.”

LYNN
I once saw a sign in Siam Square advertising
a massage parlor called Miss Puke.

[Wholesome-looking Scandinavian family
with two young kids in tow sits down at a nearby table]

AKIRA
I once saw a sign in Japan that said:
“Please do not flash the toilet.”

(Scandinavian kids look on as
four twenty-somethings erupt in a fit of giggles)

***

[While digging into our German sausages,
two farang guys and their Thai dates sit down at an adjacent table]

JUP
(whispering)
Hey, what nationality do you think those guys are?

AKIRA
Australian?

LYNN
(eavesdropping listening intently to the next table’s conversation)
British?

BRITISH GUY
…and there are these gorgeous bluebells and daffodils
for as far as the eye can see.
(to his friend)
It’s bloody beautiful, isn’t it, mate?

AKIRA
He said mate. Only Australians say mate.
Like, “g’day mate!” That’s what Australians are famous for.

LYNN
No way. British folks say mate, too.

AKIRA
But I thought the British don’t mate.
(pause)
I mean, I thought the British don’t SAY mate.

(Scandinavian kids look on as
four twenty-somethings erupt in a fit of giggles )

JUP
Ya know, this reminds me of the time Akira and I ate
at this Brazilian restaurant in Tokyo and he said,
“I don’t eat horsemeat because my mom’s a horse,”
when what he really meant to say is that
she’s born in the YEAR of the horse.

(Scandinavian kids look on as
four twenty-somethings erupt in a fit of giggles )

***

[Some time later, somewhere in between
the ostrich and grilled pineapple]

LYNN
Hey, doesn’t the leg of lamb make you think of that story
we read in Mr. Walmsley’s lit class in 7th grade?

JUP
You mean the one where the wife killed her husband
with the frozen leg of lamb and then served it up to the police?

LYNN
Yeah—

[Suddenly, much debated British guy
at aforementioned table lets out a loud crack of laughter
resembling the bodily noises of a swine]

ENTIRE RESTAURANT
(pauses mid-conversation, mid-bite, mid-chew, mid-fart
— mid-whatever — to stare at laughing British guy)

MATT
(totally deadpan)
Hey, is the chef prepping the pork?

(Scandinavian kids look on as
four twenty-somethings erupt in a fit of giggles )

[Five minutes later]

(Scandinavian kids STILL looking on as
four twenty-somethings erupt in a fit of giggles )

[Five minutes later]

(Four twenty-somethings valiantly attempt
some semblance of calm)

JUP
(sheepishly)
Hey, do you think it was obvious
we were laughing at the British guy?

MATT
Uh, yeah.

LYNN
(obviously in denial)
Maybe nobody noticed.

AKIRA
(confidently)
Believe me, they noticed.

LYNN
(guiltily)
I feel kind of bad.
He was probably trying to impress his date with a killer joke
and now we’ve totally ruined it for him.

(Guy sitting across the restaurant lets out an ear-splitting sneeze)

AKIRA
(busts out laughing)

JUP
AKIRA!

LYNN
(busts out laughing)

MATT
(busts out laughing)

JUP
(busts out laughing)

(Scandinavian kids look on as
four twenty-somethings erupt in a fit of giggles )

***

I don’t think I’ve ever seen people more relieved than when we walked out of the Rio Grill; we are so not going to be missed there. But I swear it was all really funny then! Or maybe we’re just really immature…

Man, hindsight really is pretty powerful, huh.

~*~

Currently Reading: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by JK Rowling, all in preparation for the film’s big release day, which just so happens to coincide with my brother‘s birthday, the lucky ass.

Currently Playing: Fill My Little World by The Feeling, which is my latest guilty pleasure — their entire album is a sugar rush of indie pop from the 80’s, packaged and prepped to melt the hearts of today’s over-political, over-pretentious, over-jaded crowd. The lyrics are cheesy, the melodies are breezy, and you’d be insane not to fall just a little for this band’s uplifting charm.

“I had a dream we went away
Left this city for a day
You took me southwards on a plane
And showed me Spain or somewhere…”

 

9 Responses to "How Not to Act When in Public"

hahaha… how many restaurants have you guys been “banned” from now?

read lamb to the slaughter many years ago… really enjoyed it. :P roald dahl = a genius… :) … but up until i read this post… i never actually thought about that story whenever i had a leg of lamb… but obviously from now on i would probably think of it and giggle… hehehe. :)

sounds like u had a great time in the restaurant… glad ur having a gud time and not stressing out over piles of lecture notes and books. :)

Haha, sometimes you’ve just got to laugh. There’s no holding it back; I think if you try, you might get a hernia or something. Or maybe not. Anyways, you’re a far better soul than me, because usually in these situations, I am still giggly instead of (properly) mortified when I think about what happened.

ummm hahah! poor farang guys. they could’ve quite easily been some RIS teachers taking their thai gf’s out… hehehe.

Giggling alone in front of computer while reading it. Now everyone look at me and I continue reading…. HaHa

LUnch time quiet hour at the Office, that is…

You’re evil. :)

Oh my god, I just read this post and started laughing so hard I cried! Especially the prepping the pork part…Matt really thought the chef was killing a pig in the kitchen! HAHAHA…oh man, so funny!

I started writing my blog for this post but I didn’t finish it yet ‘cuz I was away for a week (and before that, I was procrastinating…)

You left out this part though:

Thai girl: They don’t speak English, they speak Scottish.
Akira (not bothering to lower his voice): Don’t they speak English in Scotland?
*Four twenty-somethings burst out laughing*

I was wondering when that British dude would get up and beat the crap out of us! :)

Kay: Hehe, after reading how demented we are in public, I won’t blame you if you never gonna want to have lunch with me and Jup again. :P

Bo: Indeed I am. :)

Jup!! I totally forgot about the Thai girl thinking we were speaking Scottish!!!! XD So hilarious. Oh, and we totally deserved getting our asses kicked in by that British dude because later it was just so plainly obvious that we were laughing at them and not our lamb of leg. :)

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