brain farts

Hello, My Name is Lynn, and I’m an Arachnophobic

Posted on: April 16, 2009

I hate spiders.

Most phobias are a result of a single traumatic event in a person’s past, but I honestly can’t remember the first time I started hating spiders; I personally think it was ingrained in me from birth.  My Buddhist mother jokes that I was probably killed by one in my last life, hence the instinctive fear/hatred.  All I know is that eight legs is WAY too many limbs for one single creature.  We humans get along just fine with two, why can’t arachnids learn to do the same?  Step up to the plate, buddy!  IT’S CALLED EVOLUTION.

I first knew I had an irrational fear of spiders when I was in the 3rd grade.  We had to read Charlotte’s Web, and while I loved (and still do love) reading and books in general, the thought of reading Charlotte’s Web made me want to hurl.  Mrs. Lynch made us take turns reading passages from out of the book, but this was inconceivable to me because, hello, I could barely bring myself to even grasp the book.  I mean, have you SEEN that thing?  Charlotte’s eight-legged ass is printed in full splendor on not only the front cover, but also the BACK!!!

Charlotte and Her Horrific Web

As a result, I held on to the bottom corners instead, which were completely Charlotte and web-free.  I thought I would get along fine, until I realized that the book was ILLUSTRATED!  With a gazillion pictures of Charlotte and her totally non-terrific webs!

I personally dont see anything terrific here

I personally don't see anything very "terrific" here

And as if that wasn’t enough, by the time I reached the end of the book, I learned, at the tender age of eight, that spiders didn’t give birth to babies in the single digits like us humans.  Oh, no, they have to go and squirt out HUNDREDS OF THEM AT A TIME.

I was nearly in tears by the end of the book, and not because Charlotte dies.  Oh no, I was traumatized by the hundreds of thousands of baby spiders in the world that were just waiting to spawn hundreds of thousands more.  Charlotte’s Web, as far as I was concerned, was not a tender, heartfelt story about a loving friendship between a spider and a pig.


But the spider atrocities don’t end there.

A year later, I was reading my science textbook, and noticed that at the very bottom of the page, some kid had written: “Turn to page 40.”

I turned.  At the very bottom of the 40th page was another message:  “You’re almost there.  Turn to page 86.”

Cool!  It was like a little scientific scavenger hunt.

I turned, and  at the very bottom of THAT page was another message:  “For the coolest thing ever, turn to page 107!!!!!”

Excited, I turned, and to my horror saw the BIGGEST, HAIRIEST spider ever about to sink its fangs into a poor, innocent fly.  I flung my textbook across the room and refused to touch my textbook for a week.

By then, I realized that my arachnophobia wasn’t normal.

Unfortunately, so did the kid that sat next to me in class.  He remembered my spider fears from our Charlotte Web days, so on show-and-tell day he intentionally brought a dead, preserved tarantula to school and made sure to conveniently “forget” the hairy bastard on my desk.

Is it any wonder I’m arachnophobically traumatized?!

But it doesn’t end there.  Yesterday, as I was driving home, I nearly crashed the car when a spider with a 4-INCH LEG SPAN crawled onto the front window.  I screamed and tried to keep my eyes on the road, but all I could see were its HAIRY, THICK LEGS.  I’m sorry, but hairy, thick legs have no business belonging to spiders.  Hobbits?  Yes.  Spiders?  NO.

I tried to chase the bastard away with the windshield wipers, but to no avail.  It simply hopped, skipped, and freaking LEAPT onto the other end of the window and crawled to the side.  I swear that spider deserved the freaking gold Olympic metal for the long jump!  I have never seen anything jump that fast and that far before in my life.

And now, similar to the Charlotte’s Web cover and my 4th grade science book, I’m scared to get into my car.  I don’t care if that makes me a wuss; I will not rest until I see that hairy bastard’s dead carcass!

Currently Playing: Dead and Gone by T.I. & Justin Timberlake

Currently Reading: Pediatric Dentistry, aka, how to stop screaming children from crapping their pants at the first sight of a dental drill.

6 Responses to "Hello, My Name is Lynn, and I’m an Arachnophobic"

Oh Lynn, just be glad it was on the outside (though I guess you wouldn’t be writing this post had it been). Yay for spiders on the outside of the window!

You’re so right — thank god for tiny blessings like that! I honestly think I would have gone into cardiac arrest if that thing had been on the inside of the car. *shudder*

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I hate spiders so much, when people talk about how they kill mosquitos and stuff I just want to scream. They are vicious, cruel, unneccesary, they have eight freakin eyes and eight freakin legs, they have fangs so large you can see them with your bare eyes they capture insects, wrap them up in sticky nasty webs and then they liquefy their insides, the spawn doesn’t stop there oh no then they have to go and live in your sink, in you shower, in your clothes always inching creeping crawling, like the spiders that they are… they are disgusting, in third grade i went to the butterfly pavillion. however, instead of going into the pretty greenhouse with the butterflies we got to “pet’ cochroaches and then… and then they made you hold a freakin tarantula. I didn’t want to but they actually made me hold my hand out when hte thing touched my palm i shook it off and tried to step on it, they were so mad, rosie was they star, well i hope rosie is dried up and dead somewhere, a husk, i hope a wasp laid her eggs in rosie and that the larvae eat HER from hte inside out, leaving the vital organs for last, because spiders… are NASTY!!!!

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